Breaking points and boundaries

Imagine for a second, that you’ve spent every second of your existence ignoring your urge to set boundaries to better serve those around you. Imagine having groomed yourself into a spineless shell of a human being by doing so, yet been able to live with yourself regardless, as you’ve convinced yourself it is the only way to go through life, only to have that belief pulled out from under you when a well-meaning stranger realises they have to inform you of your right and duty to put up a few bloody barriers where needs must. This, my friend, is where the floodgates open and the crazy pours out.

A human being is composed of a million things that can be easily broken; fingers, nails, spirit, heart … yet, only when something soulless yet visible – like a glass – breaks, we’re reminded of the complete and utter devastation something that’s been shattered into pieces leaves in its wake. In all fairness, you can both feel and see your finger breaking without the need for the bone to poke through the skin, but unless it’s completely severed from your hand, it remains attached to your body, the bone itself growing stronger and more resilient after the break. Maybe that’s why most people are willing to set themselves up for heartbreak time and time again, as if they’ve got some sort of dysphoria fetish. In comparison, you might start opting for tumblers made of metal or plastic once you’ve smashed about a dozen nice ones.

A broken glass cannot be put back together, but it can certainly be replaced by something better, new and whole. It’s rather difficult to do that with something so abstract as the personification of ones still-beating heart. Unless, of course, you invest in enough prescription drugs to turn it into an icebox. Or, you build up around it an infinite wall… with a moat… filled with ill-tempered, mutated menopausal women. A fortress both impenetrable and impossible to venture out of.

So, with this type of all-or-nothing thinking, being told you have to start setting boundaries might seem a little daunting. Especially when the people around you aren’t used to that sort of behaviour coming from their favourite doormat, or when, historically, saying the word ‘no’ in the past has met very little compassion or respect from the denied party. Enter existential crisis mode and a never-ending phase of trial and error that will surely push loved ones away and/or become the sort of thing you practise around the people you’re not afraid of pushing away.

What I mean to say is, I don’t think it’s very wise to start setting boundaries without building some confidence first. Not just in oneself, but in the whole ‘giving people the opportunity to get a sense of who you are before you’ve changed yourself into the person you know they want you to be’ thing. In a sense, not setting any boundaries where you need them is not only a disservice to yourself – it’s lying.

So, where do you start? I am in no way certified to tell anyone what to do here, but I’m at least half-decent at looking up those who do on the Internet. So, luckily for you and me, there are a lot of articles out there on the matter. The drawback, though, if you struggle with impulse control, is that there’s no quick fix. You need to be able to visualise the process – you can’t just ‘go with your gut and deal with things as and when’ or just start saying ‘no’. At least if you want to do it right and not just turn into a boundary setting machine or a NO man. I’ve linked a few articles below, for those wanting to learn more about finding out what your boundaries really are and then start setting them successfully.

Therapy in a Nutshell: Boundaries for anxious folks in 3 steps

Embracing your therapy: A beginner’s guide for those who have a hard time setting boundaries

Then there’s this ‘No-Fluff Guide from Nina Gruenewald

Why this? Why now? Well, if the smashing of a single glass becomes your breaking point – the not so gentle reminder that you’re in the midst of a whirlwind of poor decision making because you need an excuse to feel like shit because it’s much easier to wallow than it is to thrive (fuck me, I hate that word) – it’s time to have a look at how you can help yourself before every bridge you built is burned to a crisp.

I’ll see you next Tuesday. Until then, here’s a song for those whose ‘precious illusions’ no longer work the way they did.