Single and forced to mingle

Recently, big business found yet another way for consumerism to separate us from our wages, under the guise of discounts and special offers in celebration of a new (to me, at least) money making scheme/unofficial global shopping holiday; singles’ day. As far as I can tell, the tradition goes back a decade or two, as a celebration for people that are not in relationships to come together for a fun time, but I refuse to put the phrase into my search engine to find out how old this new organised shopping frenzy is. Regardless, I suspect this capitalist take on the event has been created to make room for the useless shite shops, hotels and airlines need to stock their digital shelves with for Black Friday.

I would have applauded the celebration, had it actually celebrated singlehood and single folks. It would have been great, had the offers and discounts been exclusive to those of us ‘fortunate’ enough to pay our bills by our sorry selves – living alone is bloody expensive – yet that’s of course not how it works. Not only can married/coupled folks benefit from the same singles’ day ‘offers’ as those of us sans soulmates – I even received an offer from a travel agent (that will remain unnamed) via email, where they offered me an “even better discount” if I was “travelling with a partner”. Another email explicitly said “don’t worry if you’re not single, these discounts applies to you as well, as long as you use the code XX”. What the fuck?

So, as a single person, I am expected to pay more for my flights and accommodation when I travel somewhere by myself all year around, but couples can save more on a deal – a deal that exists because of single people – than the actual single solo traveller? Why should they get my discount on the one day out of the year where businesses could have done something nice for us and let us save a few bucks on something that’s not in bulk, for once? But no. Once again, the singleton is reminded of their place in society and capitalism is the ultimate victor. Enough, already.

I get it. The economy is fucked. But that doesn’t justify screwing us over. Just because we’re used to not getting any, doesn’t mean that we’ll happily lie down and take it when offered the chance.

And with this, I find myself at what inspired my little rant today; the difference between consent and compliance. By no means do I claim to be the first person to point out the fact that there is a difference – I will gladly admit that my inspiration comes from not one but two podcasts I’ve been listening to lately (Speaking of Psychology and MissUnderstood/Sorry, I Missed This), I just found that their take on it made me see some of my past mistakes in a new light. Additionally, being able to differentiate between the two will never not be important.

If you’re missing the logical connecting step from shopping to consent here, I will list a few of the reasons why I am single (and have been for most of my life).

1. Non-singles and ‘normal’ singles alike tend to assume that all single folks are tirelessly and desperately looking for ‘their person’. Whilst many are doing precisely that, there are also those of us who have found the one we would like to be with, but like with many of the universe’s cruel jokes, our beloved does not be-love or even be-like us back, or they are simply in a relationship already. So me being the way I am (i.e. possibly a smidge hyperfocused on anything and everything that manages to tickle my fancy) will more often than not be inclined to wait patiently for their relationship to peter out before making a move and/or moving on. There’s a need to know if they would feel the same if they could. In short, it’s not my lacking the ability to find someone, or having impossibly high standards. Nay, for me to give up my life for a relationship, I need it to be with a person that I actually like enough for me to feel as if I’m not giving anything up at all.
2. It’s about the person, not the relationship. It seems a lot of people are desperate to be in a relationship. So desperate, in fact, that they suffer through physical violence and psychological warfare, prostitution, childbirth, vasectomies, you name it. They just want to show the world that someone chose them. But, did they, though? Noooooo thank you. Also, I quite like the peace and quiet. Next!
3. Then there’s the rejection sensitivity that comes with my ADHD, and the RSD, the misguided attempts at second guessing every move, over analysing every word, every movement, my forty years of being told that other people’s needs are far more important than my own, which incidentally has caused me to gaslight myself into thinking that compliance is consent.

As you can tell, it is probably best that I stay away from the relationship game. I have been in too many situations where I’ve felt as if I had to choose between having to deal with a negative reaction if I’d said ‘no’ or accepting the awful feeling of guilt that would come from not meeting their needs and having them hate me on top of it. There was no way I could win. Just the thought of hurting them hurt me more than the pain that they – and, to some extent, I – put me through. I’ve been too afraid to go to the police when I should have done, on more than one occasion, just because I couldn’t handle the thought of the implications it would have for my attackers. Why I didn’t think as far as what damage they would be able to do to others when they were able to walk free is beyond me – I guess I just assumed that I was the only sort of person that would deserve being treated that way. No one in their right mind would do such horrible things to someone pretty, someone nice, someone that’s worth something. But I’ve realised now, that it’s not only us uggos that get raped. Unfortunately, it seems a lot easier for people to believe the pretty ones.

Now, I’m not saying romance is dead. Quite the opposite! And I have a lot of lovely couple friends that have great relationships. I think they deserve all the love in the world. I’m just saying that on singles’ day, they can back off and leave the special offers to those of us that don’t have anyone to split the rent with. I promise not to take any of their valentine’s day thunder. And, who knows – perhaps there’s love on the cards for me as well?

Yes, I am looking at you, Michael Palin.

It’s late! We should all go to bed. But before you do, remember to buy a copy of my book – if you want it by crimbo, you’ll need to order it by the 5th of December.

Next week, I’ll write a little something about limerence. See you next Tuesday!