Tag: self-help

Life, anxiety and a “sticky” brain

Before we get started on today’s topic, I just want to give a huge, heartfelt thanks to those of you who continue to find the time in your busy day to read my posts – it really means a lot! If this is your first time on here, you can read my previous posts on the main blog page.

Now, for the subject I had planned on writing about last week; unwanted intrusive thoughts. There seems to be a lot of confusion as to what they actually are and how they can manifest, and I have only recently been made aware of the fact that the term isn’t necessarily restricted to just thoughts and images. They are of course what we normally hear or read about, but that’s not the whole picture – it’s not just random thoughts and images. It can include unwanted sensations, memories and stories as well. Possibly more, I really do not know. But I’ve come across a few interesting perspectives and theories on this subject close to my heart that have made me feel a little more enlightened, that perhaps others can find some comfort in as well. BUT. There is, as always, a big dollop of my opinion in here as well, so take everything I say with a pinch of salt. Especially the part about coding. Anyway, that’s the disclaimer out of the way. On with the show.

It seems to me that referring to these uncontrollable impulses or processes as ‘thoughts’ is not only a gigantic misnomer, but hugely misleading, as the phenomenon can be better described as automatically generated impulses or processes that become unwanted when they feel intrusive in an unnerving way, causing distress and excessive rumination. If the brain was a computer, this process could be compared to a constant generation of possible and/or/not responses to any scenario or eventuality one might run into, where the ‘correct’ response – i.e. the action caused by the prompt – is picked based on true/false Boolean logic. Although I flunked out of computer science quicker than you can say 01001110101 20 years ago, this little part of simple coding somehow stuck with me. It works great for simple processes, but a more complex and unpredictable system just might crash once in a while, or let something inappropriate surface by accident.

What I can gather from most of the articles and research papers I’ve come across so far, is that the experts agree that we all have these concurrent processes going on all of the time – it’s completely natural. Which makes sense. Much like a computer that never switches off or reboots, our brain keeps processing and generating impulses that will keep us from switching off. And, much like when we are in the dream state of sleep, some pretty random stuff can manifest from one of the potential responses generated by some event that perhaps entered our subconscious via an advert, a TV show or something we saw out of the corner of our eye when we weren’t really paying attention, seemingly from out of nowhere. Since we did not interact with this event, in that it did not happen to us directly, our reaction (or response) is not necessarily in line with our conscious thoughts, wants or wishes. Needless to say, your mind suddenly doing something so outlandish to you it seems as if you no longer control your urges or behaviour, it can be a jarring experience.

Imagine, for instance, that you’re having a bad dream because you’ve watched A Nightmare on Elm Street, but instead of being chased by Freddy Krueger… you are the monster killer… only, you’re not asleep in your bed – you’re wide awake and thinking about stabbing the person next to you in the lift to death with a rusty blade. And this urge has made itself known despite your pacifist nature and philanthropic views, yet it feels so real, as if you’ve lost all control of yourself and that your sanity hangs on by a thread. Pretty terrifying, right?

Luckily, for most people, a sudden flash of an alternate reality such as this can be shrugged off as what it is; something bizarre, laughable, that would never, ever happen. But for those of us prone to internalising, overanalysing and rumination? When these unwanted intrusive responses land on our particularly sticky brains, it can become a real problem, sometimes leading to self-deprecating behaviour, negative self-talk and suicidal ideation. If you suffer from anxiety or a personality disorder, you might even convince yourself that this means that this is your ‘true personality’ shining through, and the more you think about it, the harder it seems to stick. I won’t go into specifics here, as to what some people can convince themselves to be capable of – it can be all too triggering.

And why focus on the negative, when there seems to be a universal concurrence among experts, that that is absolutely not the case? I mean, if something seems so foreign to you that you’re practically contorted by feelings of repulsion and anger, it is probably not your second nature. If you were to get a song you really hate stuck on a loop in your head, you wouldn’t think that to mean it was secretly your favourite song, would you?

Then, why can it be so difficult to dismiss these impulses when they occur? My guess would be that our anxiety feeds off of such things and it is far too easy to go into that unhealthy spiral of self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness.

Well, how the fuck can I rid myself of this affliction, then? you may ask.

This is where the experts tend to disagree. (Which is why I’ve chosen not to mention any of said experts by name, but I’ll include some links to articles on the subject below, if you want to read more about the different theories). Some say they will only go away if you ignore them, while others say that you simply must acknowledge them before you can let them go. Me? I am inclined to think that there is no cure-all. What works for your aunt Mildred might not work for you, and what works for you will probably not work for your best mate. We are all different, despite being similar in so many ways. But, what I am fairly certain might be a really good idea to do, if you are struggling from the distress brought on by experiencing unwanted intrusive urges, physical sensations, images, scenarios or thoughts, is to talk to a professional about it. You can start by finding a mental health help organisation that can point you in the right direction of someone that understands how debilitating living with something like this can be. Links to articles below.

Support groups in the UK

Mental health support phone service in Norway

Finding a good therapist in the US

That’s all for now. See you next Tuesday for another overshare. Or go buy my E-book – it’s on special offer this week.

Alex Dimitriu, M.D., an expert in sleep medicine and psychiatry, offers some tips on how to tackle – or even stop – unwanted intrusive thoughts in this article.

Read this article on Psychology Today on unwanted intrusive thoughts by Martin Seif Ph.D. ABPP and Sally Winston Psy.D.

Or this one, by the same authors, where they have a closer look at intrusive sensations and stories

How rumination harms your mental health

When Thoughts are Sticky; Pure OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, by Hannah R. Goodman

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What is love?

To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t know love if it shat me in the face. Pretty sure love wouldn’t do that, though, if I’ve understood it correctly. Unless that’s something you would ask for specifically. I’m not here to judge, but maybe consider the risk of e. coli or pink eye before you do that without a mask on? I mean, they certainly don’t do that in any romantic comedies I’ve seen. Probably more of a Jane Austen thing, perhaps? I digress.

You might be thinking by this point, ‘why on earth would she write about a topic she knows nothing about’? Well, regardless of the obvious fact that I know very little about it, love has always fascinated me. It’s one of those things you’re conditioned into thinking that by some miracle you will one day find. “The one” and all that shit.

It’s not that I’m incapable of feeling things. I’m lucky enough to have nephews, and it is the unconditional love I have for them, something that manifested instantly and quite frankly knocked the breath out of me, that is the reason that I am starting to think that romantic love can manifest in the same way. Not since my grandad was still among us have I felt such compassion for another human being and not questioned whether or not it’s reciprocal, because it does. Not. Matter. You shouldn’t have to search for it or work on it – it just is.

Romantically, I’ve been in a couple of serious (for me maybe a little too serious) relationships, but they were all with the wrong person. Even though I care deeply about these people – not in a romantic way – to this day, we were never meant to be together like that. What’s more, I do not care for the thing I become once in a relationship; needy, jealous, anxious, I feel suffocated when they reciprocate and distraught to the point of desperation when they don’t. I also somehow try to become the person they want, so what I like or want no longer matters – including my friends. I can only have one person in my life at a time, ta very much.

I also think that someone with severe mental issues should be very careful when it comes to letting someone in. I’ve always felt as if entering into a relationship, especially when I know that my OCD is coming with me, would be very selfish. But I want to be proven wrong here. Maybe the right person will actually be able to handle me, even at my most me of times.

So, I found a book a while back. Turns out the brilliant Kerry Cohen, PSYD, LPC, has written a book called Crazy for You. Mesmerised by the title alone and thinking it was another autobiographical book like Loose Girl, I pressed the purchase button, only to find that it’s a psychoeducational guide for ‘breaking the spell of sex and love addiction’.

And so it remained at the top of my to read list until I felt like I was strong enough to look some of my harder truths in the eye. And here we are, I’ve brought Dr Cohen with me on my beach holiday, to find out how I am going to change my perspective a little bit. Not if, how.

It was a good thing I waited. Had you asked me to do something that would entail caring for my own wellbeing just a year ago, I would have told you to fuck off. Especially when it comes to this love thing, that’s haunted me for as long as I can remember.

I once received a chain letter (an actual pen and paper letter, real old school, folks) while I was still in school, that told me I was going to be unlucky in love for the rest of my life, lest I put this burden upon another unsuspecting victim. Filled with rage and hormones, I ripped the thing apart and dropped it to the floor, stomping on it as if it were on fire, before I ran to class Although, once I had sat down, my OCD started screaming at me, anxiety pulling me apart and telling me that I had to retrieve it and fulfil this prophecy before it was too late. Yet, when I got back outside, the letter had disintegrated in the rain and I thought I was doomed. FUCK CHAIN LETTERS.

Anyway. Doomed, blah-blah-blah, story of my life. Back to the book and one of the first things that really resonated with me:

Emotional wounds are the deep, stubborn beliefs we have about ourselves, which were needed inside us by our relationships with our parents or caregivers and by traumas we’ve experienced (Cohen, 2021, p. 34)

Now, any semblance of love I received as a child was conditional. I was a difficult child, they told me, so I had to change in order to be worthy of any special treatment, such as not being shouted at or pinched so hard I thought I was going to have to explain the bruse at school, or indeed receive any praise.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought that I am simply unlovable. I mean, if your own parents have realised how shit you are… It turns out, shockingly, that only experiencing conditional love, as opposed to unconditional love, can make you think that you don’t deserve being loved just by being yourself. That you need to do something special in order to qualify for it.

So in a relationship – friendships as well, because of course I can’t be any old friend, I have to be the best – I go out of my way to give gifts, write lovely notes, cook a shit tonne of food and bake cakes no one ever wanted, hell, I’ll even put on a dress and wear high heels just so you won’t think I’m not doing everything in my power not to lose you.

Cohen goes on to explain how an understanding of what your emotional wounds are and where they are coming from is a useful tool in finding enough compassion for yourself to actually want to help yourself.

The book is filled with thorough explanations and reflection exercises for you to really get something out of the material. She writes with compassion and brevity, yet with enough detail so that you understand that there’s a spectrum and that you are not alone in being on it. You can’t help but feel that she cares. You even realise that maybe you’re not doomed after all.

Read the book if this applies to you, or share this post with a friend you think deserves a bit of unconditional love in their life. I will include the link to the book again below, right next to a link to a Type O Negative song that might resonate with us love junkies. See you next week!

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