I was sat outside contemplating my own existence when a particularly nosy squirrel very rudely interrupted my introspective endeavours. For some reason, squirrels seem to pop up everywhere like tiny brown embodiments of red flags whenever I find myself in a situation, but that’s neither here nor there. Or, is it precisely both here and there? Regardless, his incessant stare made me realise I was due a budget revision. Of the mind, that is. Here’s a few thoughts on something about a little thing called personal accountability.

Bear with me, it’s going to get very bleak before any occurrence of any light. Also, you shouldn’t expect to read much about the original definition of behavioural economics here, so if you get your kicks from neatly putting numbers into spreadsheet columns, read the Wikipedia article on the term by clicking on this sentence.

You’d think that, with the amount of sheer introspection I shamelessly indulge in every week, I’d be pretty much up to speed on which areas to focus on in order to improve my existence. Perhaps even to such a degree that the need for any ‘home improvements’ would be reduced to barely noticeable ad hoc upkeep tasks. Turns out, you’d be wrong. In fact, you might say this particular humanoid construction is permeated by the mental equivalent of black mould, water damage, termites and poorly and/or insufficiently laid foundations.

On the personal plain only, of course. The professional part has been meticulously built for endurance and longevity, protected by impermeable scaffolding at all times. Surely, though, as the two are connected, no one could fault you for questioning whether the collapse of one would affect the other?

You might wonder how I let my personal life fall into a state of such disrepair. Well, without going into too much detail, my theory is this:

From a very young age, it was instilled into me by my caregivers that fear was the best – if not only – motivator. Meaning, of course, that any flaws or failures were to be subject to castigation of the utmost severity (i.e., you’d be terminated from the household and stripped of your privilege of any further ‘caregiving’). Success equalled strengthening the brand of the commissioner(s) – previously known as the caregivers – whereas failure to comply would lead to the ruin of the same.

The positive outcome of this for me, personally, was that I learned how to make myself do things that didn’t come naturally to me (like, say, fucking maths, meticulously budgeting and sticking to it, always paying a higher than required tax percentage and calculating the energy prices in case of inflation – all things any child should know how to do, right?) by always expecting the worst. This makes me the perfect employee, as I will always strive for perfection out of the sheer fear of being furloughed, or worse.

Alas, for someone letting fear define what’s important, the balance between work and life would be more or less non-existent. Furthermore, striving to do anything that might spark any kind of joy outside of the workplace would be deemed unworthy of the same focus, as they don’t have that same fear attached to it. Or any. So, if fear is motivation and there’s no aspect of fear in what you are doing, you’ve no real way to convince yourself that it is valuable enough for you to work towards. This should be regarded as one of the negative outcomes, of which there are plenty. For instance, you can read a little something I wrote about “love” and emotional wounds by clicking on this sentence.

Conclusion: With this fear-based approach to success, one would fail to prioritise self-care when needed – or at all. Ultimately, this could lead to forgoing any social interaction, personal hygiene efforts or indeed after-work activities that only benefits the self, meaning you’d only really feel like a ‘real’ person when called upon by the commissioner. Which, in turn, would lead to a sense of increasing worthlessness that might lead to prioritising self-harm over selfcare.

So, how does one go about changing the script, so to speak? Do you really have to go reinventing the wheel, or un-learning everything with years and years of cognitive behavioural therapy? How do you know how to spot the bullshit – or, more importantly, the bullshitters?

Well, I may not have the answers you seek, but my money’s on this: It depends on the fucking person. The one guarantee is that there’s no cure-all. But, if there’s one thing you need, I’d say it’s accountability to yourself and to your goals. And your motivation cannot be founded in fear or regulated by negative self-talk. This includes the fear of not reaching your goals!

Perhaps the key to motivation lies in letting go of a fear-based driving force. Or, maybe it’s about learning how to accept and embrace that good things are in fact real and good, and not just some mirage or dirty trick. It could be physical too, of course. Maybe you just need to allow yourself to breath in order to let your shoulders down. Whatever it might be, I think it requires the self to let go of the assumption that society expects certain things or collectively looks down their nose at you for not being good enough. In reality, it is the self that has adopted this view and made it its mantra. And that just might be the key to change.

After all, if the person holding the whip that caused those scars across your back no longer bothers to crack it; why should you?

See you next Tuesday. Until then, enjoy the fine tune below: