Bridging the gap

The structure you see looming over what may or may not look like a portal to an alternate universe took just over three years to complete. The bridge it replaces had served as a link between the two sides of the city centre since the 1930s. With the bridge gone, it was as if a great divide appeared in the wake of the demolition – at least from a commuter’s point of view. Sure, there were pedestrian crossings nearby, but no direct bus link or road access, unless you fancied the deluxe version of the scenic route. The new bridge sure is a sight to behold, though. Also, very functional and bridge-like.

I’m not entirely sure where I was going with this – I just like the photo.

And I am blocked.tae.feck. Not just writer’s block, but blocked in every sense of the word. You may wonder how that came about. Or, perhaps you’re wondering why I am so dead set on trying to squeeze out a few paragraphs anyway. Well, here’s why; it’s not just my liking the photo that has compelled me to pound the keys so ate in the evening – the thing is that I constantly find myself expecting everyone to expect me to bridge the gap for them, the way I always used to. I am overwhelmed, with being underwhelmed. And, being overwhelmed really trips me up, so I am inclined to think that I’m not the only one. Yes, I said I was going to write about menopause, but then I just thought to myself; why the hell would I do that, when there’s more interesting things to write about the sex life of the albatross (spoiler alert, they are NOT monogamous, at least if we’re to believe the Ocean Conservancy), or, indeed, some random bridge I decided to shoot from a weird angle.

Looking up at this massive structure, expected to be strong enough to hold the weight of the world, and at the same time be diplomatic and pleasant enough to bring opposites together, I guess something struck a nerve.

I cannot begin to describe just how bizarre it feels when you start recognising cyclical aspects to your own personality. My psychoeducation and treatment has lent me the ability to somewhat objectively observe my own behaviour in a way where I can now almost foresee my actions and reactions before they manifest, but with no means to stop them from happening. Yet, anyway.

There are hundreds of articles on ADHD overwhelm online. On Beyond BookSmart, we learn that “ADHD overwhelm can essentially lead to you feeling frustrated and upset with yourself, causing you to shut down completely, both mentally and emotionally”. Check. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association wrote about how overwhelm can lead to ADHD paralysis and ways to get past it. Others refer to ADHD overwhelm as ‘flooding’. Basically, those of us with emotional dysregulation and/or RSD can get so overwhelmed by our own emotions and environments that we shut down completely. Check, check, check.

I can get so overwhelmed by the one thing on my list that I’ve not managed to check that it feels like the items I did check don’t really matter. Because I do get shit done. Quite a lot of shit, actually, but that one little thing – even if it’s something as silly as booking in for an eye test – makes it impossible for me to move forward with the speed I expect from myself if I keep putting it off. It makes me feel like a failure. It doesn’t matter if I managed to solve 13 Rubik’s cubes in 3 minutes, or if I’ve submitted research that helped cure bowel cancer that same day, everything becomes irrelevant due to my inability to do get the easy, less important, tasks out of the way first.

It is almost 23.15pm and I’ve one more thing to check off my list before I go to bed, so I am going to take the fourth advice on the ADD’s list to heart and “focus on completion, not perfection”. I have a billion thoughts and ideas still fighting over the limited space in my shell-shocked noggin, so I will no doubt be back with something hopefully a little more profound next week. Just need to bridge a few gaps first. Make sense of some stuff. Until then, there’s a new Catharsis album out that I quite enjoyed. Link below.

See you next Tuesday! Oh, and there’s more substantial ramblings in my book, of course. Check it out by clicking on this here sentence.