Broken seems to be the hardest word

Or, at least the word appears to be difficult to hear for most of the ADHD podcasters. I’m not sure exactly when it became obligatory to end every episode with a ‘Remember, you’re not broken – just different‘, or something in the vein of that. To that, I have precisely one thing to say: Fuck off.

This type of message can be construed as the speaker is telling someone how to feel. There’s a word for this; invalidation.

American psychologist Dr Jamie Long defines invalidation as:

“The process of denying, rejecting or dismissing someone’s feelings. Invalidation sends the message that a person’s subjective emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable.”

Long goes on to explain that telling someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way ‘conveys contempt and superiority’. Regardless of how unintentional it may be, invalidation can be ‘one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse’, according to Dr Long (2017).

You can read the article in full on her website, by clicking this link.

With some facts to justify my opinion and highlight the importance of acknowledging others, I’ll get on with my rant.

To my knowledge, no prophet worth their salt ever claimed to be one. Apart from Brian, perhaps, but we all remember that he was just a ‘very naughty boy‘. Yet, a horde of mental patients turned self-proclaimed neurodivergence experts have come to think of themselves as the second coming, or perhaps a little closer to the big man; omniscient.

They seemingly liken themselves to the Messiah of the looney bin – leaders of the un-broken newly diagnosed. Behaving as if they have all the answers makes them a potential danger to themselves and others, just because they’ve been diagnosed with something that made them crawl into a seemingly bottomless search engine wormhole, or even crack a book in some cases. Ironically, in true ADHD hyperfocus fashion, they seemingly forgot to check the facts or look for more sides to the story when they’d had their fill of research and decided their newfound knowledge must be broadcast to fellow sufferers, because now they have found the answer! Come off it.

As Attitude puts it in their well-researched article on hyperfocus, once in this state, we can often become ‘so engrossed we block out the world around us’. Which, of course, can be good for our personal learning.

However, it can make some people forget that the information we devour might not be applicable to others. I particularly find this to be the case with podcasters with AuDHD, which shouldn’t come as a massive surprise, seeing as some of them struggle to see past their own nose on a good day. Put in a more delicate way, in an article by the NHS on autism in adults, people with autism ‘find it hard to understand what others are thinking or feeling’ and can ‘take things very literally’. These traits, combined with hyper fixation and a WiFi connection, is perhaps a concoction best left to sit safely behind an unhackable paywall. Which, in fairness, someone with AuDHD would likely be able to set up, given they have a special interest in computer programming.

Anyway, we are back to the initial phrase. The ‘you are not broken‘ness of it all. Due to AuDHD podcasters innate quality of having trouble putting themselves in somebody else’s shoes, they may fail to see how this statement might make someone slightly more emotionally inclined feel as if their feelings have been dismissed and trivialised. Because some of us actually need to feel a little broken, in order to put ourselves back together again.

Either way, someone with an extreme need for attention might not be the best educator. And if you’re the host of a podcast where you are the main attraction and self-proclaimed expert, you should’ve guessed it, you are bordering on narcissism. It’s like going down to Speakers’ corner and shouting your opinion for everyone to hear, but the problem is that, since you’ve invested in a mic and some audio editing software, people are likely to think that you’ve actually got something of value to share, outside of your own lived experience.

I’m not saying all people with autism are narcissists, nor do I mean to claim that all of them are utterly devoid of empathy, I am simply pointing out the damage something unintentional can cause if you don’t stop to take all of the facts adhering to a diagnosis – and not least differences in personality and/or lived experience – into consideration before you present something as a universal truth.

Invalidation (and autism) aside, there’s something to be said for letting yourself really feel what you feel, in order to achieve a sense of control over the emotion – rather than having it control you.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think wallowing is particularly good for you either. But surely you are sending some conflicting signals to your unconscious if you let someone else dictate how you feel. I suppose it can be nice to hear that someone else thinks that you should think that you are a good human specimen just as you are, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that you yourself feel as if you are in dire need of repair.

Most of us can’t just adopt a mantra of saying ‘I’m not broken’ to ourselves in the mirror until we’re blue in the face and hope that some sort of unbrokenness will manifest all of its own – we have to acknowledge and respect the process before we can trust it.

So what if I am a little broken right now. But it is crucial to my recovery that I can be allowed to acknowledge that and start learning how to rebuild myself over time – adopting new, healthier coping strategies that will keep me from falling a part too quickly the next time life throws me a few curveballs. Your telling me I’m not broken really isn’t helping when that’s how I feel. And I am sure others feel the same way.

My process is my own and I need to work through it, without someone else trivialising my emotions or my situation. I need to be able to imagine for myself a life in which I am a little more together in order to find the steps to get there.

I forget who said this, but I think ‘there is beauty in something that has been broken and put back together, because its new composition makes it stronger and more unique‘ is a good quote. Might have gotten it from a Hallmark movie, actually. Anyway.

We can all feel a little broken sometimes. That should be okay, shouldn’t it? It shows that we’ve got some perspective and self-awareness.

The fact that you feel a little fragmented right now, doesn’t mean you won’t at some point become something that feels a bit more whole – or that you should come to believe it’s a permanent state. Quite the opposite – we just need to find all the pieces and the right adhesive before we start piecing it all together.

There is great strength in admitting weakness. And you can quote me on that.

See you next Tuesday, for a special Piemageddon update!

Here are some sick Bad Religion tunes as a reward for reading. A proverbial potpourri of punk at its very finest. Enjoy!